It’s Tuesday 21st July…
Right… So according to my “fertility app” my period is due in three days, on Saturday 25th July. Seeing as it said that this morning and it’s only Tuesday and it might even come Saturday afternoon, I’d rather that that was at least four days, but my Maths has always been pretty shit.
I’d prefer to go with the latter theory though, as I did one of those pee in a pint glass tests (a plastic glass – it’s now safely filed in the recycling wheelie bin, before you ask) earlier this afternoon in much anticipation, to be disappointed when only the negative line stared back at my face. Bastard test.
Okay, I guess I should backtrack my story a little bit for the benefit of my readers.
Here are the all-important stats:
- 4th May Came off Cerazette
- 10th May – slight bleed one day only
- 30th May – period arrives
- 27th June – period arrives
- 3rd July – had sex
- 4th July – had sex
- 5th July – had sex
- 5th July – used LH stick – no surge
- 6th July – had sex
- 6th July – used LH stick – faint line on stick
- 6th July – Mittle-wotsit + egg white
- 8th July – supposedly ovulating according to my app
- 9th July – had sex
- 12th July – had sex21
I’ve been on the combined pill since I was 15 until about age 28, where I swapped to the mini pill after realising after countless explorative gyne appointments, biopsies and steroid creams that the combined pill to my vag was actually the devil. I’d just assumed up until that point having sex was supposed to hurt, hence all those stories of older couples not bothering, and life descending naturally post reproduction into a comfortable chair, pipe, slippers, four cats, and a packet of custard creams.
I’d been on Cerzaette for 7 years (God, has it really been that long?) when we finally decided it would be a good time to stop the pill and start trying (‘we’ – I would like to clarify… I am indeed referring to a boyfriend and not just trying to get lucky by getting laid via the no-strings attached, unaware bloke route, a route which incidentally readers, I’d not be one to judge, honest).
But, by today’s reckoning, it really does look as though I’m approaching my third period this weekend.
To be fair, my periods have jumped back into play like clockwork, as you can see in my stat list. What is weird is that the flow is so light, and the pain, while uncomfortable on the first day, is really nothing to write home about. Not how I remember my periods when I was a teenager. They were so heavy and so painful, I used to take those horrible Ponston pills, the big huge things that looked like toy battleships.
I’m a perfectionist. I don’t like to fail at things. I like to pass first time with distinction. In fact, I’ve never failed an exam in my life, but already, since late May, I’ve felt like a failure three times already.
I know the stats – a 15% chance each cycle of getting pregnant in your thirties. What shitty odds. I’ve spent my almost my entire adult life trying NOT to get pregnant, assuming it was as easy as catching a cold on the District line in November.
Maybe we’re not having enough sex? We did it 6 times around ovulation, and if online sources are anything to go by, this equates to 500 million x 6 sperm in my system. Wait, that’s 3 billion sperm, right? And you’re telling me not one of these mother fuckers made it to my egg? 3 billion sperm… I thought I was feeling heavier this week.
Also, I don’t know if you’ve tried them, but I’ve been testing out those LH sticks twice this month, on the 5th and the 6th July, – and importantly, I think, on the 6th I also experienced the “Egg White” – only twice in my knickers though. I guess I’m old and drying up, according to some websites out there I’ve googled. I’m just not rating those sticks. I’ve not detected a proper surge or a strong white line.
I know there’s a chance you can miss your surge in a matter of hours, but thinking back to my light periods… Wait. Maybe there’s not an egg. Maybe the lack of LH surge combined with a light period suggests I’m not ovulating, perhaps I’m not properly back into a routine after the pill, maybe it’s still in my system… God, what if I’ve gone through the MENOPAUSE!!!
JESUS! Does anybody else stress like this? I’m a logical person; I just want to know exactly which parts are going wrong when.
So, readers… I’m making a plan. I’m going to brace myself for my next period. Get that disappointment out of the way. I don’t know if you’re like me but even though I tested negative today, I’m still holding on to hope that actually, tomorrow might be a different kettle of fish. Mind you, can I already feel the P pains? Maybe I can. Psychosomatic? Implantation pains? Or maybe it was the three chillies I added to my bruschetta bread at lunchtime. Most likely… Terrible IBS.
Back to my plan. I’ve got the Advanced Clear Blue Fertility Monitor – check! The LH sticks arrived today too – check! So it’s full steam ahead. August, I’m coming for ya.